Lost & Found

How can one be both at the same time?  Given my current situation, I’d say, it is quite possible.

I keep cycling back.  It’s like I’m stuck in some kind of time loop.  I created a new draft to post, but I realized I’ve been a bit redundant.  I’ve been in the same set of shoes for years, switching up my footwork each time, but still strutting down a familiar path. I thought about deleting what I wrote, but this is what makes the journey.  This is what makes you human. Sometimes it takes a few more tries to get you where you want to go. And sometimes it takes many of the same cycles to remind you why you started down this path.

I’m stronger than this and from experience I’m relearning knowledge I’ve obtained from every previous cycle I’ve overcome.  With each cycle, I’m breaking free.  I like rewriting my struggles, each slightly different than the last.  It’s a way for me to mark my journey.  Kind of like a checkpoint in life.

I need not forget about myself.  Writing is my greatest therapy.  It’s a way to provide insight on my thoughts and feelings.  It’s a way for me to think outside the box.  To take a piece of my life into my hands to examine it, take it apart, understand it, and mold it into something new.  This is how I piece together my soul.  Writing about my journey leads to the best self-discoveries. It’s an outlet to vent and to solve my issues all in one.  It’s a way to release any tensions and most importantly, it’s a safe place for the perfect brain dump: all my thoughts jumbled in my head bouncing around up there becomes clearer.

I am only human.  I am as human as you are.  I have feelings and emotions.  Sometimes good and sometimes bad.  Sometimes dark and sometimes light.  Sometimes uplifting and motivating.  Sometimes distraught and depressing.  I am a person and I’m here to tell you all emotions are worth discussing, experiencing, and remembering.  This creates an individual’s journey.  My dream is to help someone open up, find their truth, and hopefully motivate them to discover who they are.

But how can I share my story without being too predictable?  

 

LOST

Imagine an endless hallway. It’s misty and airy. It’s neither cold, nor hot, but there is white fog beneath your feet. You see multiple doors and an infinite number behind you as well. Some open. Some shut. Some even cracked a little. Doors which lead to past dreams, present dreams, and future goals.  Doors of past thoughts, feelings, and memories. Doors of past and present careers. Doors leading to your current passion and dreams, and doors of your past dreams and passions. Doors of mistakes and resolutions.  Doors to poor habits and optimistic perceptions. Whatever is in your life, imagine a door for it.

As you walk down the hallway, you begin to notice a different color within every open door you pass.  It’s misty and transparent.  Some open doors you may notice the color swaying in and out of the hallway. You may even notice some colors lingering with no intention of returning to their door.  Some colors are even spreading, making its way through the hallway creating a rainbow of colors.  Some are even latching onto others transforming into a new color. As you witness the subtle changes in color on the floor, you can see a few thick solid colors pushing its way through the cracks of doors left a smidge open.

The hallway represents my mind.  A blank slate.  Open doors signify what preoccupies the mind.  The good, the bad, the pessimism, the optimism, the fears, the hopes, the dreams, the desires, the pain, the heartaches, the careers, the goals, the . . . well, everything. Everything, as of this current day, everything preoccupies the mind. There is not a single door shut in my mind.  To be frank, it’s chaotic and confusing. All colors are flooding into the hallway creating havoc in my mind, unwavering my heart and my thoughts to carry through.  It’s overwhelming.  Every painful memory, every hurdle I overcame, every anxiety I dealt with, every depressing thoughts and feelings of an unhealthy escape, every negative thing I’ve ever faced is unleashed.  It’s a darkness that fills the mind and clouds my vision.  It’s uncontrollable. Every door has flung open leaving me breathless.  The bad is outweighing the good creating confusion within my soul.  I don’t know who I am.  It feels as though it’ll take ages to fix what has been unraveled.  The bad is overpowering the good, making it difficult for me to listen.

I am stuck in a time loop, reliving the pain and fear.  I’m struggling to break free.  I feel that I am constantly gasping for air, as if all the pain and all the fears are drowning me.

The death of my father was a major turning point in my life.  I feel that experience alone broke me.  All of my past struggles that I’ve been working on, suppressed, and pushed aside accumulated, expanded, and exploded.

FOUND, BUT LOST

All the while opening up a door I haven’t peered into since I forcefully shut it during my transition into adulthood.  It opened up a dream of possibility, potential, hope, and excitement.  A dream of which lingered in my heart since childhood, but the adult in me, the societal standards, and the talk of my parents led me to believe this was just a fantasy dream and it was downright impossible to come true.  But alas, the door has been opened, and this dream has been released into my mind, my heart, and my soul.  It’s flooding every inch of my body and calling out to me and I don’t want to force the door shut again.

So here I am, with this dream in my hands and nowhere to store it.  It’s growing chaotically.  Old ideas, new ideas, revamped ideas are spewing out on all sides of the mist creating a fog so thick it’s clouding my sense of judgment.  I don’t know where to begin.  I don’t know how to begin. It’s spiraling out of control leaving me overwhelmed with fear and doubt.  The dream itself fogs my vision.  I’m blinded by the mystery of life.  How windy is the road?  How big and how many obstacles block my way? How many years will it take me to reach my destination? Every fearful thought, every self-doubt, every negative feeling strikes me with such force, there’s no time to prepare myself for the hit.  How am I supposed to follow the journey laid out for me if I can’t see where I’m going or even embrace myself for those unexpected jabs of thoughts dragging me into a hole of insecurities?

I have a tendency to over plan, overthink, and overdo. Planning, though, is one of my greatest strengths, but also my greatest weakness.  If I ease off on the planning and take the day as it comes, I feel a major shift in how I perceive the world and my life.  I can see a more balanced and fulfilled life.  The problem lies within a single day and if I plan my day to the T and it doesn’t go accordingly, I blame myself and fall apart, then I run and hide.  When in reality, if you can’t plan for an unexpected disaster, why would you beat yourself up over something out of your control like something so miniscule in a single day?

Speaking of running and hiding.  That’s also one of my biggest tendencies.  To run into the most self-destructive door I’ve been locking myself away in on and off for the past few years, even more so following my father’s death. A door I’ve been trying to lock up for the longest time, but still manage to open with such ease.  A door of procrastination.  A door of hiding.  A door of which stunts my growth, numbs my pain, and quite possibly the hardest hole I’ve ever had to climb out of. I have a tendency to stress eat or to be distracted by binge watching the latest TV show on Netflix or to even be distracted by what other people are doing on social media, subconsciously comparing myself to others, creating more hate and envy in my heart, growing weak and angry with myself for not living out my fullest potential.  I hide when the pain in my neck is high.  I hide when my mood is in a depressive state.  I hide when feelings of grief of losing my dad becomes too unbearable.  I hide when the chaoticness of my own thoughts overwhelms me to even function.

I know in my heart that this door needs to be bolted shut beyond repair of ever opening again.  It is the worst alternative to the most dangerous escape in my book.  It’s unhealthy of me to run and hide, but it’s safer than the initial escape route, at which is coming back to haunt me once again.  Remember when I mentioned that all the doors had opened in the hallways?  Well, unfortunately, this is one of those doors and definitely the darkest doors to date. Depression & Suicidal Thinking.  But again, since all doors swung open, my anxiety defeats my depression.  But it doesn’t mean I don’t feel the burn.

I feel the depression.  I notice thoughts of suicide popping up more frequently.  I experience more off days than usual.  On those days, I feel like such a burden to my husband.  He tries his best to comfort me and make me smile.  He tries his best to be there for me when I need him.  He is the very best person, but I feel like a burden.  It could be the fact that I don’t want to be a burden.  Or the fact that my anxiety is so strong that I see the depression and I’m overwhelmed with thoughts of suicide when what I really want is to live a happy life.

My thoughts are reckless, loud, confusing, and wild.  I’m in panic mode because I’m overwhelmed by a destiny I desire to live out.  I’m struggling to let go of all my fears to faithfully walk through the uncertainty of life.

My brain is overloaded with the negative and the positive.  As I try to push the negative out of my mind, I feel the guilt as the imagined wrath of my father deters me from living out my dream.  I fear that I have let him down some way.  I fear that I’ve become so selfish to see my family’s needs.  But then I also fear that I will be too selfless to live out my dream.  I fear that I will hate my life and will forever be unhappy. I fear that I will continue to be so torn between two worlds that I will not choose and my life will fly by leaving me feeling incomplete.  I am torn between a life I want and a life I think is expected of me.  I am hesitant to drop everything and run fearlessly towards a passionately lived life.

FOUND, LOST, & FOUND AGAIN

In my head it makes total sense, if I just let go completely and put my focus and attention on this dream of mine, I feel that success will indeed follow.  But being a filial daughter that I have always been is delaying my journey . . . my progress.  Which then, frustrates me even more, because I know deep down if I just let go, everything will fall into place just as it was meant to be. So why not, Rebecca?  Just let that sh*t go!

I can feel my nerves creating chaos in my heart and mind.  I can feel the shift of calmness to unwavering quivers of fear.

I’m struggling with who I am in the present.  I’m struggling because I know who I aim to be, but I’m not letting my potential truly shine today to lead me to where I see myself tomorrow.

I know courage is all I need to walk faithfully into the unknown.  It’s the strength that I must find within myself to push through and it’s the hope that shines through.  I know that I am struggling to find myself as an individual and as a wife. I know that I am struggling to live a brave life. I know that I am struggling with fears.  I know this, yet all I have to do is keep going.  All I have to do is quiet my mind and find a peaceful spot to listen. Listen.

It’s as if I awoke from a dream, both nightmare and Pleasantville-like life.  I knew my journey would be a difficult path, because I felt it then and I feel it so deeply now.  Just because I am not meant to be following my parent’s vision of a career doesn’t make me any less of a good daughter.

Sometimes it only takes a few moments to collect and hear yourself think.  Sometimes it takes a few tries to fully listen to what your instincts are telling you.  And as I write these next sentences, I hear me.  I walked out of the company, yes, but I haven’t gotten to the point of never looking back.

I can see the majority of my struggles . . . I didn’t shut the door behind me . . . I left it open by a smidge . . . all the negative emotions, all the painful memories from working at my dad’s company are seeping through the cracks, making its way into my thoughts and heart leaving me breathless . . . unable to fully take that leap of faith.  Leaving it ajar like that is like keeping one foot locked in place, it’s like keeping it in my pocket to save for later, just in case.  I’m subconsciously deciding that when my dream fails, I’ll have this as a backup.  I thought that for a long time, especially when my dad was still alive.  I always had something to fall back on, but now that he is gone, there’s nothing for me there and a part of me knows this.  Hence, my biggest fear of all, forever not having the security to fall back on if all fails.

The thing is: I made the decision to follow my heart, but my mind is deterring me from fully committing into the life I want to live.  Everything I learned is what my parents taught me.  I feel that I am disgracing my father’s legacy by not living out the path he laid out for me and I feel selfish for it.  I feel like a bad daughter that I somehow did something wrong and that I deserve to be unhappy.  I feel like I’m supposed to struggle to justify my actions in following my passion. I feel guilty that I chose my dad’s death to leave and take that leap of faith I’ve always desired doing.  I feel people are judging me for making that decision and I feel even more selfish for doing so. I feel like I have to justify my actions and explain countless of times why I did what I did without making any sense.  And to top it all off, deep within my core, I’m setting myself up for failure.  If I keep that door slightly open, it’s the same as if I am doubting myself.

But you know what?  This is what makes the journey possible.  This is what makes the end of the rainbow so much brighter.  It’s just another hurdle to overcome, to learn from the mistakes, to trudge forward, and to get to the other side. This is the BIGGEST challenge I must face to figure out who I am exactly and who I am meant to become.  It’s the journey that creates a person and I’m choosing faith, one baby step at a time.  Closing the doors that needs to be shut and allowing the space to grow into the person I aim to be. Forcing myself to feel every emotion whether it be good or bad, allowing it to sink in and allowing myself to observe my thoughts and even question myself. Not to doubt myself, more along the lines to help me progress and open up on my feelings.  I’m forcing myself to not watch TV until a certain time, which in turn helps me manage my eating habits, and allows me to focus more on my writing.  This is the first day of this year that I invested in myself and my well-being.  For the sake of my mind, my body, and my spirit, I allowed peace to flow, a certain calmness to run through awakening my soul, and giving me time to be real with myself through writing.  Which helped me to see what’s been going on in my mind more clearly with an intention to improve myself.

Aside from feeling lost, I have found myself through writing.  I have found once again the dream I so neatly tucked behind my heart.  The dream of becoming a writer.  The dream to faithfully and fearlessly live into the unknown while passionately following my heart. To publish a book . . . multiple books . . . and right now, I have so many book ideas bouncing in my head.  All different genres too, from fantasy fiction to teen fiction, to creative non-fiction, to even self-help books.  I’m writing in all of them, but what I need to do is focus on one to complete it first before going on to the next.

I apologize for my lack of keeping this blog up to date.  I don’t want to make up excuses and I’m tired of using my pain as a crutch, but yes, lots of internal factors I’m trying to face at the moment, along with which lucky book am I gonna choose to write in first dilemma comes to play.

UPDATE:

It’s easy to run away from your fears.  It’s easy to shelter yourself from the pain.  It’s even easy to lock yourself behind the door of temptation & destruction.   The best way to break a bad habit is to do exactly the opposite. Face the challenges with grace.  The most important thing is to calm your mind, breathe, and listen.  Listen to the good and the bad.  Make sure you really hear and soak up all that you feel too.  Moving on is most effective when you persevere.

My goal is to shut the doors that needs to be shut. To be no longer cluttered by the chaotic fog within my mind.  I am going to start feeling the pain and pushing through it. Because I am better.  I am stronger than the will to shut myself out.  I have so much to live for and I’m ready to embrace my fears once more. I hope I don’t fall into this familiar cycle too many times.  I hope that I can break the cycle to awaken my soul to fully be alive with every breath and step I take.

I have a lot of stories I wish to write both as some kind of book and as a blog post.  I’m just overwhelmed with the amount of them that I really don’t know where to start. This is something I must put my effort in.  I need to prioritize myself too. Right now, I don’t have a stable income, so that has been freaking me out, but I chose to do this.  I chose to submit myself as a full time model and writer.  I’m following my passions.

rebeccanne

p.s. I can continue to write about my struggles and fall within these endless cycles or I can write like my life depends on it (like from the book: Love Yourself Like Your Life Depends on It)