Dear World

Dear World,

I feel utterly and tragically lost.  I feel the world crashing down on me and crushing me whole.  Gnawing at me.  Pushing me down.  Taking my feet and dragging me.  Throwing me around.  I feel like I am dying inside and I have lost myself.  I feel like I’ve lost me.  I’ve lost a part of me.  I feel myself lost in sheer disbelief and despair.  I feel so alone.

At the same time, though, I feel so very much alive.  I want to do so many things.  I’m creating a mental list of all the things I want to do before I die.  And I want to start living it now.  Because you never really know when it’s time for you to go.  My dad’s dreams were fulfilled.  All but one – skydiving.  But even he wasn’t stupid enough to try it at his age.  He died a happy man with a loving family and an adventurous life.  I started taking more risks.  I am now a crazy risk-taker driver. I dance in the car and I don’t care who sees me. I’m starting to live.  I’m committing more and doing more for me and what I want to do.  I’m living by his motto and if I want to do something?  I’m going to do it.

But I feel stuck.  Like my soul cannot escape.  I’m trapped in the weight of the world and the lives around me who have been calling out to me.  The ones closest me, who need me the most. Who need me to be strong.  I feel devastated inside.  I’m dying on the inside.  Apart of me has died with my father, for he was my strength throughout my entire 27 years of life.  And without my strength, I feel that I am desperately gasping for air.  I’m trying to stand up tall for my mom, for my sisters, for my nephew, and for my fiancé.  I’m even trying to be strong for myself.  But I’m so very exhausted.  I don’t fear death.  I pray for it.  I yearn for it.  I want it to come.  To end my suffering.  I don’t want to kill myself.  I don’t want to die.  I don’t want to end what would be the journey of a lifetime, in my lifetime.  The journey for my very self. But today, for the past 26 days and counting, I think for a long time before I find my feet, I will be feeling this sort of exasperation, this desperation, this tragic loss.  And how I wish to not suffer.  To end the suffering.  So, death doesn’t seem too bad, to escape the horror that is currently my life.  But the nightmare is wanting to end it when I know so much good will come out of my father’s passing.

I’m getting married in nearly two months. My life is just beginning with the man I love, with now the only man that I love deeply and passionately with all of my heart. We have so much to offer one another in life individually and together and I cannot wait for the excitement in our lives. I’m excited for where our lives will lead.  His dreams into opening a restaurant of his own. My dream to be an international model and writer.  We have such strong passions within our core that we want to share with the world. I want to fully commit and dive into these.  I’m ready, but I’m gripping the steering wheel and not allowing myself to turn in another direction. I’m not letting myself fall so the Lord can guide me to the light.  I’m still in total control and I’m driving myself insane by not having the faith I need in Him and in myself.

I know what to do.  I know what I want to do.  I know how to get there.  I’m just getting held back by the guilt that comes with it and the teary eyed family that I hold so dear.  I pray for their forgiveness.  I pray that they will allow me to make this leap of faith for myself, for I am so very lost within my soul, if I stay. I will continue to feel so lost, if I stay. They want me to make sacrifices.  But those sacrifices will kill me, both literally and figuratively.  A part of me, all of me will die if I continue to lead the current path I am on. And my heart breaks, because I want to be there for them.  I am torn.  I am tearing myself apart for being so selfish.  I want to take on the world. I want to dive into the passions.  I am fully aware that diving in, letting myself fall, letting God lift me up, throwing me challenges at every turn, giving me the true test of life, and making me struggle in life will help me find my way, my true calling.  I’m still young.  I want to live.  I desire to better myself.  To be free and let myself love myself for who I am and not what others want me to become.  I want to live for myself and go for the passions I so desire.

I’m scared.  To confront them with my feelings.  To let go of the steering wheel.  To dive in head first, not knowing how deep the water is.  But there is a huge yearning sensation within my very core telling myself this needs to be done.

Maybe dad is trying to tell me to give it my all.  Maybe this is his way of letting me fall, so I can pick myself up from the ground and start anew.  Maybe this is the start of something that needed to come to play.  Maybe, maybe.  I will never know unless I try.  And I so want to live a life he did.

I want to.  I desire to.  I yearn to.  I plan to.  I will dive in passionately, completely, and desperately into the vision I see for myself.  And I will make it happen.

Just watch me world.  One day.  Someday soon.  Tomorrow even.  I will have the courage to share my dream. It’s gonna start.  Soon – ish…

I know, I know…. I’m scared.  I have been procrastinating on diving in for the longest time.  I have a great fear for the unknown.  For the road I cannot see.  I don’t like taking a step forward unless I know where it’ll lead.  I like knowing the consequences before trudging forward.  Now, I fear the most that I will procrastinate longer and continue to feel stuck.  To continue to dread the life I don’t want to live.  To sacrifice my happiness for the sake of the family business.  I don’t want to lose sight of myself, but I fear that I will make the business a priority.  I fear that I will not dive in like I’ve been yearning to do.  I live with this greatest fear, which if I choose to never dive, I will be living with my greatest regret. I want to help settle things first, but I also want to leave and allow myself to fully jump.  I’m scared because I fear for the lack of support.  But I know in my heart, it needs to be done.  The question is how will it be done.

All I’m asking for is a little bit of support and a whole lot of strength to guide me towards the light.



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