These next few months are going to be brutal. The reminder is constant. Yet, the call to action is inconsistent. This struggle is gnawing at me. My survival skills are weakening. I am weakening. My train of thought. My motivation. My happy spirit. They are all failing. My emotions are out of control. Although, you cannot control emotions, negativity is what frightens me the most. My health unraveling beneath me. This is my greatest fear.
It’s a war within myself. It’s a war that won’t easily dissipate. It will not dissolve easily this time around. It’s a sort of feeling within myself. I just know it. I choose not to find help. Why? I choose to fight it off myself. Why? I cannot do this alone. WAR- again. It’s the war that leads me on an unwanted path. It’s the war that defeats me ever so often. It’s the war that pulls my spirit. It’s the war within myself that is hated by those around me. I don’t know if it’s worth it. I don’t know if I can carry on. I don’t know what the future will be. I don’t know anything. All I know is the war within myself is uprising with such force and such speed that it is uncontrollable. It’s unmanageable. It’s a battle I must fight. It’s a battle I must overcome. It’s a battle I must learn from. And it’s a battle I will win.