Addiction & Withdrawals

I’m going through a withdrawal right now.  I am so focused on fighting this urge to feed my addiction that I don’t know what to do with myself, so I thought, hmm, maybe I’ll write about it.  Sugar, Sweets, and everything Tasty – I’m all about indulging in on all things glutinous.  I’m not only craving the deliciousness of something sweet, but yearning for that satisfying crunch as I bite into a little bit of heaven. That ever so addicting, texturizing, bursts of flavor within each bite.  Just the right amount of crunch, not where it all crumbles with one touch, but the perfect amount of crunch where you can hear it ringing in your ears, but can still hear the silence around you.  Biting down further to discover such a moist and fluffy center. I’m all too thrilled in breaking my habit for the certain kind of fantasy of it.  But time and time again, disappointment increases by not only the worst thing possible in my hand that doesn’t taste like I imagined it to be, but the guilt that arises within me after heaving it into my mouth.  Fantasy vs. Reality.  It’s a fantasy that every cookie would be as delicious as imagined, but the reality is the reason for not eating it in the first place.

As I devoured a clementine, my taste buds are still searching.  I know there’s a few leftover donuts in the kitchen and a bunch of unwanted cookies my mom brought from home to the office to see if anyone wants it here. So far, it looks untouched, and those leftover donuts have been sitting there for about 3 days now?  My rule is, if you are EVER going to indulge in ANYTHING, you better go someplace where they specialize in making it.  Now with that in mind, you’ll know it’ll be worth the wait.  I just need to remember the reason for all this fuss.  It’s mostly the constant munching that has defeated me and the uncontrollable actions of those damn sticky fingers reaching in a bad of snacks and mindlessly eating.

I just have to remind myself of the end result.  What am I aiming towards?  Not only do I want to reach that goal, I want to live a healthier and happier life.  Sugar will bring me diabetes just like how my grandma has it and now my mom is reaching her sugar limit potential. But unlike her, I actually know that half a donut is still not going to help prevent the diabetes from surfacing… *Shaking my head*…

What I do know is.. little steps go a long way to a big change. I could’ve reached for a piece of that donut in the kitchen, but I paused myself, physically turned away from it and said, “remember..what are you trying to do”, looked at it again, and surprised myself by walking away. Now, that I’m looking back on it, gross, it’s been sitting there for 3 days.  I looked at those cookies, smelled it (big mistake), and was again debating if it was worth the taste.  HA! Just a little taste, my head and my heart both know, that little taste will be the end of me and the beginning of the munching cycle of the day… I held my breath and walked away. & I’ve learned the later I start munching, the less time spent in the day to keep munching.  I’m progressing.  As of yesterday, I’m getting back into a healthier routine.  I just started my cereal, ugh, this is a form of munching, but at least I’m realizing it and slowing down. However, I do have to add, and this is not me trying to justify my actions, the cereal’s ingredient list is preferred over many other cereals with sugar listed as the first ingredient. That’s a big bonus right there. Anyway, the munching has got to end soon.  I only have one month to get my sh*t together. But, I do need to tell myself, you’re improving! Good job! Keep going! Stay strong. Stay Motivated.  加油!

maybe tomorrow I won’t pack the cereal…

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