Anger. Frustration. Irritability.

All emotions I struggled to keep under wraps today.

These feelings are not to be controlled.  They are to be acknowledged.  You can’t help feelings occur within your body. They just happen.  It’s important to recognize those thoughts and feelings that stirs inside you.  It’s more beneficial to your body and mind if you accept them and do something to release the tension.  Venting helps.  Writing about them helps. Screaming at the top of your lungs definitely helps, but I wouldn’t recommend it while driving behind the wheel.  

It’s the amount of stress and anxiety that has reached it’s maximum limit that put me over the top.  You’ll know when you’re about to pop.  You can feel the tension rising not only within your head, but in your heart.  You’ll feel very heated, and your heart might be racing.  A million thoughts are bouncing in your head and you feel out of control.  It’s the steam engine whistling in your head warning you to duck and cover.  And I tell ya, it’s not a good feeling.  But, if you’re anything like me, you’re eyes will tear up because you know there’s nothing you can do to stop the madness of the progression.  You know you might pop and you don’t want to make a scene.  It’s one of those, I gotta calm down tears or I’ll definitely make a scene moments.  But how can you, when the one person or thing you’re trying to get away from is glued to your side and won’t let you escape for a little fresh air?

There’s only so much a person can handle and when they are bombarded with the thing that irritates them the most, how can one take a moment of silence to his or herself. I’m, how do you call those personalities?… an Ambivert… I can be both an extrovert and an introvert.  And today I just wanted my silence.  I just needed my me time, but instead I chose the wrong day to do laundry. I don’t live at home, I live with my boyfriend, but I do laundry biweekly at my house house.  Technically,  I still live there, all my mail goes there.  The people of this apartment complex just believes I’m a permanent guest of my boyfriend. Why would I put my name on the lease to end up paying more each month?  They should offer another person on the lease without the extra cost.  But anyway, that’s besides the point.

Fear was the final feeling that I concluded the day and it was not a good feeling.  I was driving “home” and I decided to let out a scream, mind you, it was my first time ever doing such a thing.  I thought to myself, meh, why not? it’s better than waiting to scream into a pillow, the neighbors might hear and think a murder was in progress… So, I tried it.  hmmmm, that felt good…. I did it again.  The stress level decreased by A LOT, but then I saw this GINORMOUS, CREEPY, LONG-LEGGED, FAST CRAWLING SPIDER!!!!!!!  EEEEK! I wanted to scream.  I think I might have looked at it too closely, and may have swerved a little, but not that bad.. I thought to myself, omg, i’m gonna be like one of those people who run out of the car screaming while the car is still running, F- NO! that is NOT gonna happen! breathe… inhale…exhale.. you’re almost home… I kept an eye on that thing until I made it until I was parked outside the apartment buildings to attack, I didn’t kill it, I wish I did because now I have absolutely no idea where it is.  It could be still in my car, it could be outside, it could have clung onto me without my knowledge and followed me into the night, omg, it could’ve been so many different scenarios.. And as I’m typing I feel spider webs around me thinking about it…. *squeal*… *shiver*… 

These emotions kept me in check of what triggered those feelings.  I’ve gotten better at understanding what arises what emotion, but today was a lot to handle in one sitting.  I think I would like to rest a little.  It’s a bunch of family drama, if you would have liked to know, but I won’t get in too much detail and it deals with the power of energy.  You better believe it, energy is in everything and it could be such a glorious feeling to the most destructive feeling ever known.  Today’s energy was definitely one of the darker sides of the spectrum.  Definitely not one of my proudest moments.  Now, that I’m away, safe in my world of seclusion with my words and my thoughts and my realizations of everything, I’ve got a pretty clear mind and I’ve come to terms with the existence of the pain I felt today with the negative feelings that overwhelmed me.  I understand.  I worked through it.  I’m over it.  Time for a new day and a fresh start.  I’m looking forward to sleeping it off and starting tomorrow.

goodnight wordpress world, sweet dreams, i hope no creepy spiders don’t crawl on me tonight…

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