Life’s Not Done

Hi
long time no see
I know it’s been
ages since you
last saw me.
Since you last
heard from me, since
I last
spoke of this – 
this darkness
yep, the very same, the one 
that makes me
run ‘n hide
from fear, from
chaos, from
inconceivable pain,
not the physical kind
not only the physical kind
the withering, the 
overwhelming, the
torturous ghost that’s
always been, yet seems to
never go away
the emotional, the
heartbreakingly, the internal
static, always nagging,
always depleting 
pain.
I couldn’t. I couldn’t.
function, let alone
breathe.
I couldn’t
laugh nor smile nor even shine
I looked like
myself, but I wasn’t
me.
Everything I once was or
thought I was
collapsed from
under me.
I couldn’t. I couldn’t for the
life of me, I couldn’t
be.  All I wanted,
all I thought of
was the
unthinkable, the
unimaginable
I lost myself and the meaning
behind it all.

I took some time, much needed
time, and I escaped for a little
a little while, and I felt good.
I felt better.
So I continued to heal by 
allowing myself to feel. 
I had to, it was for
the best, to escape from the
societal pressure, from
family expectations, from my 
own unrealistic perfectionism goals
I slowed down.
I breathed.
I talked it out.
I cried,
A LOT.
I drew inward, I needed to
feel, so I could
heal. So I 
talked some more, I 
wept . . . uncontrollably. I allowed myself 
to grieve and 
forgive, I 
opened my heart, and
with time, I was able
to breathe.
The clouds dispersed, the warmth
kissed my skin.  Light poured
into me, through me, all 
around me, I rose. Joy 
restored. Hope 
began again.  I saw 
more clear than ever, it’s different this
time, though – The brokenness, although
I am not, but will always be, it may be
the worst of me, but
it transformed me. That darkness, I 
refuse to let it 
take me, to
engulf me, but I know
I can’t wield it; I don’t own it. 
I know it’s there, and may
always be 
dormant, just waiting for 
a moment to slip past.
That darkness is,
no matter how
much I despise it, no matter
how much I wish it
gone and dead, it’s 
a part of me, but I know
Life . . . . oh, life . . . 
is a funny thing . . . and I know
Life’s not done with me
no, at least
not yet.