I feel embarrassed.
Partly because I’ve made promises that I haven’t kept. Partly because I haven’t actually posted anything in this blog for nine months. And partly because I’ve put my priorities on things and people that won’t get me where I want to be.
I feel embarrassed because I’ve reverted back to my old ways far too many times to count. I kept saying it’s a never ending cycle I’m going to break. Yet, little did I know I have been at the root of the problem.
I kept finding ways to procrastinate. And created excuses in my mind. Then, fear would overwhelm me causing me to break down leaving me feeling hopeless, defeated, and back at square one. And feeling clear-minded that one day out of 365 days of the year just doesn’t cut it.
So, if I keep saying it’s a never-ending cycle, how on earth am I ever going to break it? It’s a bad habit, period. And bad habits can end.
As long as you accept your flaws as they are without blaming yourself and beating yourself up.
Honestly, I’m tired of beating myself up. I’m tired of body shaming myself. Of criticizing myself. I’m tired of all the negative and dark thoughts I’ve pushed inwards. I’m tired of this on again and off again depression and this crazy, ridiculous amount of anxiety I have running through me. I’m tired of them all, but I must prevail.
Every little progress helps me move past the things that hurt me and towards a new beginning of hope. I’ve been creating healthier habits, not only with food, but for my mental and emotional health. I’m journaling again. I even caught myself singing this morning. I used to sing a lot. – not very well, but the kind of singing I enjoyed deep down – I’m learning to accept every part of me for being me. I’m learning to forgive myself and all the pain I caused myself. Learning to love myself again. And learning to adapt to the ever so changing world we all live in.
I don’t want to dwell too much on my past mistakes. For if I relive those hurtful memories, I run the risk of pointing fingers at myself once more. It’s time for forgiveness, to move forward, and learn to adapt and adapt quickly.
Whether you like it or not, change is among us. The world keeps spinning no matter how tightly you hold onto the past. Given the season. Given a specific moment in time. Given your own personal journey, the best way to transition from one chapter in your life to the next is if you choose to follow the movement and step forward. And if you just so happen to be like me, whose awaken from a dream-like state, learn to accept, adjust accordingly, and adapt quickly. I feel like I’m far behind, but I have to remember no single journey is the same as another. You are meant to be exactly where you are. This is your time.
I am awake. And I am starting over.
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