I realized something today. Something very important about my life.
I’m living. But I’m not really alive. I seem happy. People see me smiling, laughing, and making jokes. But can’t you see? It’s a mask. I am not okay. I’m floating in and out of my own body. It’s like I’m in idle mode. My body exists, but it you look closely I’m not inside. I’m just a body making decisions, acting like the person people know and understand. I’m just a lifeless soul wandering about on earth going about my day as what people expect me to do. I eat. I sleep. I attend class. I study. I play. Half of the day, I’m out. Free. Thinking about nothing, but dreaming. The other half, I’m in hibernation trying to make it through the day one step at a time. People – my family, my friends – people surrounding me have high expectations of me. I choose not to let them down. So I live. I live for those people. I’m not really living for myself. Am I? Am I really living life to the fullest potential? Am I enjoying myself on this earth? I don’t really know anymore.
I’m hurting inside. Nobody sees it. I live in pain every single day. I’m impatient. I’m angry. I’m low-tempered. Do I have a right to be angry? I’m still so young, yet my body is breaking down on me.
If I really had it my way, I would already be at peace. I would be watching everyone from above live their life. See my friends grow up to lead the lives their future holds. Standing side by side by my Angkong. I live my life and I will die. The natural way. But I see it as God’s punishment. Others may say God is teaching me a lesson. What are God’s big plans for me? With all this pain and hardship in my life, what does He want me to achieve? Patience, happiness, life with joy and no anger or frustration? But I don’t understand. Life is so damn difficult. When this pain goes away . . . if this pain ever goes away, I will certainly be free. I will enjoy life. I will live to the fullest. I will dream.
This pain. I’m tired. I have no strength in me to fight anymore. Almost five years of this and counting with more difficulties. Isn’t that enough?
** I hear a voice inside my head and heart whispering gently, If it’s a pain-free life you wish for, only you can decide to live without anger or frustration. Be patient and live happily. Make other happy. And by then you will be able to enjoy your life.
My brain is telling me that the voice within my head is my own. But I know God works in many forms. My heart tells me this message is from God himself.
I believe. God just spoke to me.