Goodbye, 2017

Can’t say I’ll miss you 2017.  Good riddens.  Actually I take that back.  2017 was a year with the most bittersweet memories.  I really wouldn’t be who I am today without events that took place this year.  I’m ready to let go of all the pain and heartache to lift my head up higher than ever before so I can carry on the lessons learned into this new year.

Fact: A lot can happen in a year.

Fact: It takes a year, sometimes even more than a year, to notice how far you’ve come.

I was looking back to not only the past year, but I dug into every reflection, every dream, and every future goal I had from every past year since 2013.  My dreams have remained the same.  Anything I’ve envisioned for my future has always stuck with me and I can’t seem to let it go.  I don’t ever want to let them go. It almost justifies everything I’ve been working towards and all the questions I’ve asked myself:  What’s my purpose?  Who am I to become?  How can I, a single person, make an impact on an individual’s life?  How can I, a single person, contribute my time to this world?

And the most life-changing event of all has led me to push through the questions to discover who I’ve always been meant to become.  I just couldn’t let the head go to follow the heart.  My father had to leave this earth in order for me to see the true value of life and it is not through pleasing my parents, it’s through breaking out of my comfort zone, challenging myself, even challenging my own parents to see what I can see. To see what I can envision for myself and it’s not about chasing what’s safe.  It’s about letting go and chasing what you hold dear to your heart.  It’s about doing something that matters . . . to you.  

My dreams may have seemed like a hobby.  For so many years, I have tried to find a way to justify my actions and saying that my dreams are not career driven dreams and I tried to find something safe.  But, what if these dreams of mine are really something worth pursuing and what if these dreams of mine are not only worth it, but exceed my expectation?  Am I fooling myself or am I being reasonable?

I see the signs pointing to what I wish to see, but I do not dare to be blinded by what I cannot see.  And this scares me the most.  Diving in and failing and failing and failing and giving up before I reach the finish line and never diving in at all to have lost my dream forever.  Either way, losing my dream scares me.  If I don’t persevere now, who will  I become if I lose my most precious dream?

I have so many ideas.  But I also want to keep my mind aware that at this time of year, my hope increases, my dreams are rushing through me in full force, and I honestly believe I can take on the world.  January rolls around and I’m doing good, I’m proud of myself even . . . before I know it summer comes and I become a mindless drone, not willing to excel at any task that comes my way, and then I fall harder until I wake up close to December to realize the year is almost up and I have yet to achieve all the goals I created for myself. Then I hype myself up as I’ve done for years and the cycle continues.  But not this time.  No sir… I’ve got bigger and better plans coming up and I am extremely hopeful for a very very VERY good 2018.

Despite the feelings of unaccomplished sorrows, take a step back and see.  You’ve changed.  Although, subtle, it makes all the difference.

I’m content with 2017.  Model life was decent.  I worked a lot considering everything going on with my life, in between managing my pain (seems like this has been my biggest battle throughout time), scoring a direct booking in NYC. (WOW!), wedding planning and having the most beautiful and joyous wedding a girl could ever dream of (I still can’t believe I’m a married woman now!), and with the one of the most drastically changing life events . . . dad’s sudden passing – – – this took the BIGGEST detour and yet the most eye opening turn around of my life.  For a month, I busted my ass to live a life he lived, then it simmered, and in order for me to function, I had to numb myself from the pain which led to self-destructive behavior of binge eating/watching TV and shutting myself out from my mind.

But it’s time to really wake up, not wake up because this year is over so I can make new plans for the upcoming year, wake up for real.  I don’t want to steer off course this time.  I want to live life and enjoy the journey.

There’s something different about this end of the year feeling.  I’m dreaming, but I’m realistic.

As excited as I am every New Year to start fresh for what’s to come, this feeling is much more profound.  It’s all the events that led me to such a discovery, a deep understanding of who I am in the present and who I wish to become in the future. It’s a journey to follow my truth.  With each day, with each life event, I mature forward. I lacked acknowledgment of my individual growth throughout my years, but with this different feeling I have towards the end of 2017 and looking onto the dreams of 2018, I can see that who I desire to become most is a lifelong journey.  I am a work in progress.

I can see who I want to become is not the goal of one year.  It’s a goal that is targeted to be changing throughout the years.  It’s a way of life.  It’s a choice.  To practice it every day and to continue to blossom with each year that passes.  It’s a skill that you hone. Things like . . . . I want to be more patient, more optimistic . . . I want to be a better person . . . This is the journey of individualism and this is the practice I choose to follow not just for a single year, but throughout time, until my last breath on earth.

2018’s vision is clearer. I was cluttered by who I want to become than having a clear goal set to achieve before the end of 2018.

I’d have to say 2016 through 2017 was the most crucial part of my existence. It was this journey, all the events, all the negative thoughts and emotions, all the feelings of despair, all the surrounding emotions from sadness to joy, led me to this very moment of clarity and certainty.  I know who I am and I know who I want to become and I know how to get there.

I’ve taken all my past mistakes, all my past successes, all my lessons learned, all my pain and heartache, and purifying my soul from all the negativeness in my life and finally forgiving myself and those around me. I took a giant leap forward these past few months and I owe that all to the misfortunes I’ve endured – to be able to confront my battles and open my eyes to all my self-destructive habits so I can envision with a clear mind my greatest potential. I am free. I am free and I’m ready to move forward.

a very hopeful of the path ahead, rebeccanne