I have two choices: to live fearfully or to live fearlessly. To cruise through life letting my days fly by or to live in the moment and embrace the feeling of today. To stay in the land of familiarity or to take a step forward onto a mission that seems nearly impossible. It’s the fork in the road and I have been standing still, not willing to choose. Completely aware of the choice I want to take, yet fearfully staying in the same place as I was yesterday. I’ve had a taste of what freedom feels like and I yearn for that day to come again, but for some reason I’ve taken multiple steps back instead of forward. Writing this, acknowledging where I am in my current stage in life is only the beginning. It’s the first step.
I reverted back. Why? Is it because I’m only five months into grieving after I lost my dad? I mean, I know there’s no time limit on grieving. One can grieve now or five or even ten years later. Every time I’ve allowed myself to feel, I crumple to pieces, and it’s just like that day in the hospital of me rocking back and forth completely torn that my father left this earth. There are days when I feel strong. Days, or rather moments, like this where I can be fully present with my thoughts and to open up about my feelings. But, there are too many days to count where I’ve neglected to see the exhaustion in my face. I’m yearning to break free, but not eager to face the challenges ahead.
It’s a choice I’ve been sheltering myself from. Numbing myself to pain. I reverted back to my old habits. Some of my worst self-destructive habits. But I feel that I’ve slipped further and it has been even more difficult to find my feet. The deeper I sunk, the more I felt my life drifting every time I took a breath of fresh air. I found myself screaming on the inside. I found myself drowning in my own thoughts. I found myself shattered. Motionless. So into the hole I dug. But – I’m tired.
I’m fed up. Bored with living to just live. Bored of my life. Simply bored. And quite frankly, disappointed in myself. I know, I’ve been going through a lot in the past 2 years. So, I should give myself a break. I’ve been focusing on myself, on and off I have to admit. Because let’s face it, most of the time, I’m just numb. Numb to my life.
I haven’t properly faced life head on. I haven’t allowed myself to feel. And to be completely honest, I feel more exhausted than ever before. I know that allowing myself to feel will help me move on with my life. But for months at a time, I have been doing the sort of dance, for every two steps forward, I take one step back. I find myself in the dark. In hiding. Shutting myself out from the world. Making plans for the future, envisioning a better me, yet the struggle to pursue it crumbles. Feeling this sort of emptiness shatters my world. I chose to hide from the emotions at which overwhelms me and a fear sets in to a feeling I am all too familiar with. I’m letting the fear taunt me, delaying the reality I envision for myself. I have too many setbacks. And I’m tired of living aimlessly with no sense of purpose.
I’m looking forward to 2018. I finally took a leap of faith. Effective December 29, 2017, I will be officially unemployed. I don’t know what I’m going to do for a steady income. I’m freaking out. I’m certainly scared to live a life without insurance benefits from a company, especially with all my medical problems. But with these changes, I can no longer cruise through life. My safety net is gone. My dad . . . is gone. I don’t know what I want to do for a career. I don’t want to go back to school. I also don’t want to pick up another job that isn’t flexible with my choice of passion. I want to model as long as I can. I want to travel as much as I can. I want dig myself back into my writing. I want to see where my passions lead me. A distant dream I wish to pursue, to see if this is who I am meant to become. If this is my destiny that has been calling out to me. But with these passions, there lies doubt. There lies the stress that I’m not going to make enough to survive. Thoughts of money lay restlessly in my mind, for money was the safety net my father provided for us. A struggle even he wished we never had to endure. But how can I thrive if I don’t fail, so I can get up and try again. How sweet the successes may sound. To find myself chasing the passion, chasing the dream, and not the money my mind was embedded to trust. My mind will surely struggle for unraveling the importance of money will not be an easy task.
I know this is the time for me to heal. Mend my broken heart while still making my way into this world I call home. I’m aware of the consequences, so as much as I would love to leap and forget all my anxieties of the world, I must stay grounded and not lead myself into a battle I cannot fight.
I’m hopeful for the future. But in order for the future I envision, I must start living for today and not relying on “tomorrow is a new day”. Happiness comes from the choices you make today. I know this in my bones. And there are steps I need to take before I dive in. I mean, I could dive in, but I wish to tread carefully to prevent myself from burning out. Taking care of myself is number one priority. The rule is: take care of yourself first, so you can take care of others. I’m trying to find a way to coexist with my chronic pain. I’m trying to create a more positive outlook on life, to be more emotionally and mindfully present. Not only for me, but for my husband and for our future together.
rebeccanne, desperately gasping to turn the ship to a newer and better path