. . . is that it makes you question everything . . .
Nothing seems to help.
The fear keeps on creeping.
Darkness shatters faith.
The hole is beginning.
You’re left standing in the darkness. Thinking. Pondering. Wondering what went wrong. Why is it you that is suffering? Did you deserve this? What’s God’s big plans for you?
You question . . .
Your purpose. Your dreams. Your passions. The way you live your life. Your work. Your faith. Your relationships. Most of all, yourself.
The dreams you once had remain just a dream. You laugh at yourself a little or you’re in deep sadness from the dream you desire so deeply and are scared you won’t be able to fulfill it due to this chronic pain that is ruining your life. People tell you that this chronic pain is a gift and you can’t help but laugh at Life. You look back at your life and really think that you must’ve done something wrong to deserve this kind of pain and shake your head constantly because you’re so uncertain. You’re irritable. You’re angry. You’re mad at everyone and anyone who is insensitive to your pain. You scream and yell and tear them apart, pushing them away from you. They don’t understand and you wish they’d walk a day in your shoes, but then you quickly take it back because you don’t ever want anyone to feel this kind of pain you do.
You try to find a cure for this chronic illness. All your research comes to a dead end. It’s all temporary fixes or a future of annually upping up the dosage on your prescription pain medications, which further ruin your internal organs causing more problems in the long run. So you decide to live with the pain than cause more health problems down the road. But, alas, you don’t know how to cope and a way to cope is through an easy escape. If I die, I won’t have to feel like this anymore. But you don’t want to die, not really, you still have that hope flickering inside your heart and you dream of the day you’ll be free of the pain.
Until then . . .
You find ways to turn off your emotions . . . so you don’t feel anything. So, you’re numb to the pain. The internal struggles of living with chronic pain for years causes a toll to your mental state. You don’t know how to cope, so you turn the brain off. You find that mentally checking yourself out becomes easier to hide from the pain. You’re fooling yourself without realizing it. It’s easy to not have a care in the world. To live with the action, just going about your daily routine without making any self-sufficient plans for the future. Not trying to progress or excel in anything. It’s easy to just go through with the motions of every day life . . . to turn away from the challenges, to not have to deal with the overflowing amount of emotional stress . . . no feeling, no worry, no heartache, no . . . pain.
Until one day, you wake up and you see the world and hear the noise that surrounds you and you realize you’re stuck in a hole with this burning desire to do more. To be more. So, you turn your feelings and emotions back on. But the many years of silence is reopened to chaos and you just want to shut yourself back up into your shell because that has been your safe home . . . your norm, for the longest time and you’re not quite sure how to pick up where you left off. You’re discouraged because you might have to start from square one, but you’re tired of hiding.
You don’t want to let this pain run your life, so you plan to do something about it. The fire inside of you is trying to light up and . . . let it! Let that fire ignite and let yourself shine. The pain is always a pain. You will never stop searching until you find something that works for you and helps you cope with the pain. But never, NEVER, give up hope on yourself. It’s easy to give up on yourself. To give up on your dreams. To stop living. But you have a story to tell. And something to offer in this life. Live it. Despite the pain, Live it. Every life is valuable and every life is meaningful. I learned that the hard way.