Life as I Know it

A never-ending cycle that exists as I believe it does.  Although the mind a very sensitive place, can be the most important key to point you in the right direction.  A clear mind is the best mind.  It’s a peace of mind.  The beauty within.  It strengthens you.  Empowers you.  Guides you in the direction at which you belong.  Where your heart desires. Thoughts just flow together and words just continue to pile high.  It’s neither a lack of motivation, nor a lack of inspiration.  It’s the words you already know.  It’s life as you know it.  It’s whatever you create in your mind to believe.  If you believe, you will achieve.  It took me this rollercoaster of a year to figure this out, but I’m finally opening my heart and my mind to this revelation.  It’s a major ingredient.  The turning point and the feelings remain constant.  Continuously growing strong. 

2016 was a year of torment for me.  My mind wasn’t in the right place.  God tested my limitations.  He challenged me in ways that put me in a dark place and a hole I tried to dig out from the entire year. I faced the cement the majority of 2016, with defeat written all over my face.  With anger and frustration.  I had doubts.  I lost faith.  I pointed fingers.  I wasn’t myself.  But now, I think I finally see. I was negative.  I was pessimistic.  I was uncertain.  I was fearful.  I was hateful.  All the negativity I tried to hide away all came out and it was like a poison.  A drug.  Addictive and seductive.  Something that refrained me from being myself.  Truly me.  I say that with a little umph because “truly” isn’t really a word to believe in deeply.

I was in pain.  I was struggling.  I was envious.  I was jealous.  I was projecting.  I was angry.  I was scared.  But most importantly, I was living in fear.

News I found out about myself was tearing myself apart.  Finding out I had Cervical Spine Degeneration Arthritis?  Finding out I will live in chronic pain for the rest of my life?  I mean, I knew that, deep down, I knew that pain was going to be a part of my life.  But I always, always had to remain strong.  I was fighting with myself.  I was angry with myself.  I was hurt and I only hurt myself more. So, into the hole I went.

Throughout this process, of trying to retrieve the hope I once lost.  To beat the defeat that I led myself to believe.  To believe that I am worthy of life, a better life, a more successful life, a happier life. It was definitely the ride of my life this past year.  One of the most difficult ones I had to face. But throughout this year, the hell of a journey, I’d say.  I learned.  God has taught me one of his greatest lessons.  Faith & Forgiveness.

All is forgiven.

I forgive you.  I forgive your harsh words.  Your cruel thoughts.  Your shortcomings.  You voice of anger.  Your sharp eyes.  Your self-demands.  Your reprimands.  Your actions.  I forgive your previous emotions for turning into the worst possible self.  I even forgive your spite with the world, the people closest to you, and your very self.  I forgive your weaknesses in not being able to break the cycle.  I forgive your mind and your heart.  I forgive everything.  All the mistakes, all the pain you inflicted onto others and most importantly on yourself. With all my heart, I forgive you for all your self-hatred against yourself since this pain was created in your life.   I forgive myself for I believe forgiveness is the greatest first step to healing myself.

This is life as I know it.

Wanting isn’t enough to achieve what I desire.  Dreaming only gets you to visualize the canvas.  Picking up the paint brush is what creates an action.  There’s always a beginning.  & I’m beginning again.


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