if only… if only….

if only there were two of me
if only one of them was meaner than the other
if only the unwanted fork in the road was actually one straight line
if only the obstacle was something other than choosing between 2 good opportunities
if only I was psychic
if only I was telepathic
if only I knew the right direction
if only someone could help me make the right choice
if only I knew what that right choice would be

maybe I wouldn’t be put in this position
maybe I wouldn’t be swayed this way and right
maybe the decision wouldn’t be so tough
maybe the obstacle would just be a hurdle and not a giant mountain
maybe I’d make a decision within a matter of hours, not a matters of days
maybe I’ll be able to get some sleep
maybe my life goals would be reached
maybe my secret wishes will actually become a reality

maybe… just maybe…. if only… if only…
life was just a little simpler.

wouldn’t that be the life – – –

however….these “if only’s” and “maybe’s” only make life harder.  it doesn’t make the decision any easier as I would like it to be. I’m choosing between two great agencies and it’s hard. They’re both the same, yet they’re in completely different markets.  I’m currently signed under a non mother agent contract in a commercial print agency, whereas another wants me in their high fashion agency.  Both offering a mother agent contract.  Choosing a mother agency is like choosing someone else’s fate to decide whether or not the person is innocent or guilty, whether or not put them in prison forever or on death row?  Yes, I just compared it to a serious trial.

I’ve worked SO hard to be a high fashion model.  It took me a few years to be in the right state of mind.  But my time is now.  I’m not getting any younger.  I am built for a high fashion model and I have the potential to really succeed in the industry, but at the expense of what?  If I don’t feel like I’m wanted, if I don’t feel like me as a person, as a model matters, then what am I doing this for?  If they are just doing it for the money, I can be pushed aside just like that.  That is a HUGE risk.  However, I know if I don’t take the risk, I might miss out on the biggest opportunity of my life.

seriously…. if only she was on the high fashion side, my choice would be simple.

if only…. if only… this decision wouldn’t be so difficult…

this invisible war is making my head hurt with sleepless nights and spinning thoughts.  it’s exhausting…

what would you do?  follow your heart and take the risk or follow your head and stick to the safe route?
or another scenario
: follow your heart, knowing the risks are involved, but with an unknown agent and uncertainty of their intentions with you OR stick to what you know with the current agent, still unsure of their intentions, but feel a little safer with them?

Decisions… decisions… rebeccanne would like to hear from you!?

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