I’ve always struggled with the way I look. There’s never been a time where I was 100% satisfied with my body. Worst of all, I remember thinking that there will never be a time that I will be fully satisfied with the way I look. In the mirror, I should see a beautiful body just the way I am. I am not overweight. I am not skin and bones. I love food too much and hate vomiting, so I think it’s safe to rule out any eating disorders. However, I hate to admit this . . Yes, I am still struggling to look at myself and be happy with where I’m at.
Throughout my modeling journey, I’ve been progressively noticing how much of a difference my mind has been acting towards my own body. I see the flaws and all the imperfections and I catch myself degrading myself. Belittling. Disgracing. Talking down. Giving myself shit for not being able to slim down and look like a Victoria’s Secret model – even though we all, as in the entire model population that aspires to be as fit as them, secretly wish to become one. I know it’s wrong to do, yet it’s become this never ending cycle. This jolting rollercoaster of negativity, positivity, then quickly turns back into something I’ve worked so hard to steer away from. I feel exposed. All my insecurities about my body on display for all to see. There is no such thing as the perfect body, yet working in this industry for two years, almost three has skewed my viewpoints.
Being a new face in this industry puts anybody at a vulnerable state. However, it doesn’t get any easier moving up to the Women’s board for me. I still see the struggle. I still don’t feel like I’m finding my balance or my place in the modeling world. There was a time, mid-2016 to be exact, I verbally abused myself to the point where I was disgusted with myself. I would look at my body and tear myself apart. I was hating on myself because I wasn’t able to control myself from munching, overeating, which caused me to emotional/stress eat. I had a goal to make and I wasn’t seeing results. There was a week where I did everything “right”. I ate clean. I exercised daily, I saw a small difference, but didn’t see enough where I was satisfied. The cycle began again. Family things happened. Pain was increasing. And the emotional eating began. Sometimes, I eat to void the everyday pain I go through. Sometimes, I eat to distract myself from the amount of searing pain shooting throughout my neck. What’s wrong with me? Why is the pain so persistent?
I know the tasks that are needed to be done. It’s so simple. A healthy mind leads to a healthy body. Eat clean. Exercise 5-6x a week. Positive vibes. Healthy motivation. Yet, it was so difficult to grasp this concept. I am aware things don’t change overnight, yet I still want to see an improvement to satisfy my hunger. My mind is making it so much more difficult, it almost seems impossible to get done. However, looking back, I can see the measurements that I wasn’t taking – sleep deprivation, stress, not taking my daily vitamins, overeating, not exercising hard enough, using my pain as an excuse, using a busy life as an excuse, etc. I’ve spent a lot of my time planning and prepping myself for great things that I don’t use that actual time to make it happen.
I’ve been learning to tweak my mindset. The key is acceptance. Accept the fact that things take time. You will see results . . . maybe not today, not quite tomorrow, but throughout time, you will feel the difference. You will notice a switch. I’m trying to get out of this rollercoaster rut. I’m trying to experience life. I’m trying to be the difference. I’m trying and this time I have acceptance on my side. Love myself first. Treat myself with respect. Think positively. I may not see a difference tonight, but I will begin to feel the difference as long as I remain strong, persistent, confident, courageous, determined, and positive. I can achieve anything I put my mind to. Healthy mind: Accept the way you are. Proceed with a new and improved approach – – the healthy, more positive outlook.
Look at yourself.
Think about who you want to become.
See the goal that you want.
Dream it possible.
Make it happen.
Believe. You are your own cheerleader. You are your own hero. Motivate yourself. If you have to talk to yourself in the mirror, so be it, but do so positively and with the utmost respect for yourself.
Love thy body. The skin that you’re in. The mind that creates. The heart that gives. The strength and the courage that motivates you.
I wrote this piece in June 2016, however it took me seven months to finally post it. Those of you who have been following my posts understand my struggles and also understand that I’m no longer waiting, I’m doing. This is a piece I wanted to share, but was so fearful of what critiques I might have gotten or if there were even any consequences of posting it. But again, I am done with letting fear control how I live my life.
There’s something I’ve been doing differently since December 2016 and somehow it’s been working. Some major switches were:
- Meditation & Prayer
- Practice mindfulness and self-love
- Rest and “pain management” with physical therapy
- Switching into a more gluten-free diet based on the book: No Grain, No Pain
- A new focus on eating habits and exercise
- Mapping out an exercise routine I can follow; setting myself up for success
- Choosing to live happily today and choosing to do rather than dream
As of today, I look in the mirror and if I’m dissatisfied, I encourage myself I can do better, I envision myself with the body I see in the future and I smile. I look at my carefully mapped out calendar with all the smiley faces on my chart and think, I am on the right track. Tomorrow doesn’t scare me as long as I focus on doing what is right for me today.