Living in Fear

or fearfully living? . . .

Ever since my “recent”, not so new news or rather . . .diagnose(s), I hit a new level of anxiety.  I knew that I will be living in chronic pain for the rest of my life, but Cervical Spine Degeneration Arthritis just tipped me over the edge.

Pain is a part of life.  Acknowledging it is one thing, but accepting it is an entirely different field.  Previous to my diagnose, years ago actually, I’ve had a few dreams or nightmares where my bones were deteriorating at a rapid speed or ones where I’m a couch potato and cannot move.  It’s one of my reoccurring nightmares that when I awake I feel physically drained and can’t move for a few minutes.  I guess it has been always a fear of mine that just surfaced. And having your doctor tell you that you’re on the fence of becoming a frail old lady before you even hit your 30’s isn’t exactly something someone wants to hear.

I see the dementia, I see the potato-like body and I live in fear for the day that I can no longer remember. I live in fear that I will be confined to a wheelchair.  I watched my grandmother’s (mom’s side, who lived with my Aunt’s family) body begin to fail her, just as I watched my other grandma (the one who has lived with me in my home my entire childhood and adolescent years), mind fade away.  She sees me and says I am her friend.  She used to tell her friends at the senior club, “This is my favorite granddaughter, she is my angel.” My face is familiar to her, but she doesn’t know me. Her dementia runs in the family, her sister had it, I believe her mom had it, and I’m really freaked out that my dad could have it… and so naturally, I’m scared for myself.

With this realization, I did things out of fear for my own well-being.  In my head, on paper, it made total sense. Eat healthier and be more active, I could totally do that!  That’s like hitting 2 birds with 1 stone, I’d say to myself.  Be healthy so my bones don’t deteriorate too fast would also help me get in shape for my modeling career, right? But doing things out of fear to try to benefit myself was hurting myself in ways I never thought of.  Emotionally, spiritually, & physically.  I was emotionally and physically drained.  I was so mean to myself that my spirit had a lack of motivation.  I held onto negative habits and pessimistic thoughts, and that drained me even more.  So I fell into a hole of depression of not eating very well and not exercising enough…. well, not exercising the right way, I should say.  Yes, there is kind of a right way to complete an exercise . . . (but let me elaborate on that at a later date, so I don’t digress too much).

I thought I was past the anxiety. While writing this piece, it’s giving me a sense of clarity.  The anxiety I had 2 years ago is not the same as the anxiety I was experiencing not too long ago, however they had one thing in common.  Two years ago my anxiety was over the most miniscule things. I was anxious about leaving the house to run a simple errand because I was anxious about driving there, getting lost, missing my turn, watching out for pedestrians, finding parking, and what if I forget where I parked, and my button doesn’t work to help me locate my car. Or piggy backing my 3-5 castings all in one day in so many different locations that I had to get to all by myself. It seems SO silly now, because I was so anxious over little things that I had ZERO control over.  But wait, the anxiety that popped up last year was yet again something I had ZERO control over.  I can’t tell the future, all I know is the present and what I do today that will impact my tomorrow. I was so anxious that I would become that potato I dreamt of with a mind that forgets how to speak a language I was so committed and proud to learn and not recognizing my family. Legitimate fears, yes, but they were controlling me and I let it.

It was mid 2016 when I was diagnosed and my anxiety filled mind let me drown in depression that I told my agents what has been happening with me and took a step back from it as I wanted to focus more on my health without the added stress that I needed to get back in shape. Living in fear was seeping into my personal life. I didn’t exercise.  I made poor decisions when it came to food. I stopped posting in this blog and never wrote at all.  I even stopped posting images on Instagram to help promote my modeling career. However, in the midst of all this defeat, I started reading self-help books. I started meditating.  I started practicing self-love. I was trying to adapt to a new mindset and be more mindful of the thoughts that I created, of the words that I spoke, of the pain that I dealt with.  It was very difficult to stay on track because I’d have a really good week one week, but the next not so great. But then, something sorta clicked after Kevin proposed to me and I started wedding planning and talking with the priest to officiate my wedding, I began to pray again, and so my faith in God and in myself became greater than the fear of the unknown. And that is how it should me.  Faith > Fear

And with that, I began to heal my mind.  Like my pain, fear is apart of life. As I rejected and turned away from it so many times, I hurt myself and I was heading in the wrong direction.  However, acknowledging and accepting the fear I have, actually helped me to look at life with a different perspective.

Don’t allow fear to overpower you, control you, dictate how you live your life, slow you down, allowing fear to out run your faith is hindering your ability to determine the line ahead in what door to choose next. Take a breath. Let go & let God.




rebeccanne, accepting fear

p.s. If you don’t believe in God, but you believe in a higher power or spiritual power, think about that and never let your faith drop below your fears.

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