An unexpected emotion in 2016

I knew this year was going to be tough, but I didn’t expect to have so many internal hurdles to climb over. Many emotions are rising into the surface and an unwanted hatred came with it.  The hatred that grew inside of me living in Thailand for three months still is lingering faintly.  I had so many bad memories of Thailand, but that was mostly my own internal struggles coming out.  I’m no longer trying to suppress the anger like how I was doing whilst being there.   Some part of me towards the end of my stay knew that it was unhealthy and I exploded on someone who has been nothing but nice to me.  We are good now, but the fact that I released a lot of the tension was a good thing, not the best because I directed most of that anger towards someone.  In the end, if I figure out how to not bottle negative energy inside, I’m solid.  And now that I am aware of such a negative emotion, I’m able to make sense of it.   I knew why and now I cannot take it back and I live life with such regret.  It was me who made the experience how it was.  It was through my eyes.  If I had a back bone and rubbed it off like any other person would have, I wouldn’t have such a hatred grow inside of me, which also made me distant among almost everyone in the house…at which, saddens me.  I wish it was a different experience.  I wish it was a close-knit family and I felt safe in the house I lived in.  I wished I didn’t become so distant to those I spent my days with. I wished I didn’t take the life I had there for granted.  I wish for so many things, but in the end I cannot rewind history.  This was a learning experience.  Everything I felt to everything I did was a learning experience and now I know for next time in all my future travels.  I have learned what not to do and what needs to be done in order to live a happier life.

Now that I have returned home, I’m happier in a sense.  Unfortunately saddened with regrets upon looking back on my trip.  It ended on a positive note, however.  So, I’m glad the hatred wasn’t piling until the day I left.  Me and the one person in the house that I lacked a connection with have never reconciled our differences.  I’m sure they have another side of the story and they see something totally different.  I mean we are all not the same, so of course every one of our experiences will be different from the next.  I will not let one person’s vibes ruin what I thought of Thailand.  My first placement, no matter how much heartache, was equivalent to having a first love.  Bittersweet memories.  Fond memories.  Laughter.  Freedom.   Friendships. and many many more.

But who knew that this year was going to be the toughest year yet for me… We will never stop growing and learning.  Everything was meant to be and this is another turning point in my life to learn how to deal with new situations and unwanted pain.

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