This is the boat that’s rockin’. The gust of winds twisting and twirling. Circling and wrapping around forming an invisible bubble. Ability to breathe, but for how long? The ocean waters crashing into. Unable to breakthrough. It uproars and swallows. No teeth. Just the force the the wind and rushing waters pushing down. Pulling and tugging. Surrounded and there’s no escape. The thick water drapes around like a caterpillar stuck inside it’s cocoon. The air folding over, smacking away the water. Every inch of me screams for release. The pain is an annoyance. A bothersome. A never-ending trouble. A tick that doesn’t leave your side. It’s there. It’s always with you.
The rush of extreme joy and pure happiness has dissipated. The busy life has begun to calm. The energetic flood emerging in the veins has slowly flowed downstream. What goes up, must come down. The sensation of all thrills is now a relaxed, even, monotone. Anxiety driven. Insecurities rising. Rejections weaken the courage. Bravery destroyed. Waiting for the high that fills the body. Waiting for the surge of power to rise again. That electrifying itch boosting confidence. The never ending rollercoaster cycling ‘round and ‘round. Recycling the waves of happiness, the pain that follows loneliness and rejection, and the utter boost of movement in hopes of success.
I’m glad I got inside this modeling game at my age. 24 going on 25. A late bloomer, I guess. I probably could’ve been something by now, but I’m glad I waited. I can’t imagine 16 year old me trying to figure out who I am and what I want to do, while being exposed to all kinds of craziness the modeling industry brings upon a maturing teenager, plus undergoing the kind of surgery and recovery I went through junior me of high school. I’m glad I have grown into an adult first, went to college, explored the world as much as I was able to, and gained experience about life, the ins and outs of different cultures before jumping into the fashion industry. Maybe there’ll be a chance where I will only change for the better and not for the worse. Maybe I won’t get a big head and embrace the new life, while welcoming new models and letting them feel important. Maybe I’ll remain grounded and self-aware of my surroundings and actions. I’m grateful for my realism, my understandings on the best way to treat others, and how to earn the respect of those higher than me. I’m thankful for the events leading up to this moment. Although, I’m in for a bumpy ride, I at least understand it’ll be a difficult journey. My head flies just above the clouds, but doesn’t soar towards the sun. I’m stable and I know it may not work out. It may not be everything I dreamed it will become. The risk is high. My mind is grounded, hesitant, but eager to take the risk. Risking only the ones that feel right. Steady and realistic. Hopeful and thirsty. Driven to reach the success that gives me passion. Excited, yet fearful. Modeling world, here I come.