i vs. me

Have you ever experienced a kind of pressure that was sucking your energy and kept you locked up from what you truly desire?  Were you able to find the courage within yourself to escape to the land of freedom?

This tug-o-war with myself is quite exhausting.  Although, my mind is clearer and those “dark thoughts” pop up less often than before, my mind is like the energizer bunny.  It’s on a loop and never stops to rest, not even for air.  I’m drowning in my own thoughts.  This and that.  What if this happens?  I know what will happen if I do this.  What will happen to me? Should I stay?  Can I actually pull it off?  When will I finally escape?  How am I going to do this? omgomgomg. . . Arguing with myself is driving me insane!

Other than that, I’m happy to announce that I somehow overcame the hurdle of depression. I don’t know when and I don’t know how, but I did and that’s all that matters.  So, what did I mistake depression as?  Anxiety.  I had no idea being constantly anxious would be so exhausting….

The difference between depressed me then and the person I am now is: I want to live.  I want to change. And I cannot wait for the day that this battle is over!

I’m suffocating in the position I am in.  I’m torn with what I want to do versus what I’m obligated to do.  It’s not so simple for me to confront my demons head on, at least not at this moment.  I’m not as fearless as I try to make myself out to be.  I am not strong enough to handle the explosion of the aftermath.  So, in the meantime, I wait.  Sort out the issues tugging inside me.  Gain back my confidence.  Regroup my thoughts and plan for my next step.

Leaving this safe bubble is taunting, but in my heart, I know it has to be done.  It’s a struggle to sort out my thoughts.  Writing helps me break it down into pieces and I feel at ease with the choices I plan on making.  Let’s see where I’m at in a year from now.  I can’t wait for the amazing things I have ahead.


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