Do you want the good news or bad news first?

Well, since I was super morbid in my last post, maybe I should start out with the good.

Good news is all my tests I took (the EMG, an MRI of the brain, and an MRI of my lower back) all came back normal & to rehash the whole cervical spine degeneration arthritis bit – the deterioration in my neck bones are also stable and mild since four years ago. All good news, however . . .

The bad news is we still don’t know the cause for all the new symptoms I had during this past summer. But also meaning, it could just be my chronic pain is increasing with age.

It never ends, my friends, it never ends.

I think maybe I just have to accept the fact that my pain will increase with time and try not to focus too much on the negatives, though it could be hard to do when the joy in life is being completely drained out of me from just every day pain.

But I do have to admit that I have a terrible habit of expecting the worse and only seeing the bad side of things when it comes to pain. What can I say, chronic pain clouds your judgement. I’ve made excuses in the past, and I realize that now, and I’ll keep working on that. Stay true to my commitments to myself and to others while trying not to let pain dictate how I live my life.

I recognize there’s this pain anxiety on top of my general anxiety, so in the past, I usually just say I can’t do something for fear of a flare up. Which honestly usually happens. Flare ups happen. An increase of inflammation leading to more unwanted pain happens. But I can’t let that stop me from enjoying the little bits of joy that comes my way for fear of a flare up. I’m tired of putting my life on hold because of fear, and because of fear of my pain.

So, what I can do, which is always easier said than done, is to try my very best to do what I can to help manage my pain level. I know what to do, I just need to implement it. And in order to get where I hope to be, it takes work through the tough bits; it takes commitment and strength, but most importantly, it takes courage.

No more running. No more hiding. No more avoiding the pain. No more survival mode. I want to live. I don’t want to just be the girl living with chronic pain, I want to be the girl taking her current situation to a life beyond limitations.

thanks for following me on my journey, rebeccanne

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