A part of me secretly hopes my neurologist finds something abnormal, at least it’ll explain all the wrong that’s been happening to me.
I want answers, but also, I don’t want things to be too serious to the point of dying a slow and agonizing death.
To be completely dark and morbid, and well I guess, honest, I have been merely surviving just enough to wait around for death to happen to me. I didn’t realize I was just “living” in hopes that I would die any day, until I revealed to my husband that I was waiting for the flowers to die, that’s why I haven’t been watering them. It’s like my life, right? *Shrug* That’s just how I look at it.
Told ya, it was morbid.
As I write this, I can’t help but laugh because I just said that I was waiting to die, when in the second paragraph I said I don’t want it to be serious to the point of a slow and painful death . . . there’s a difference, you see it, right? Am I the only one? Waiting around to die is more instant than a tortuous health related death.
Wow, I’m talking WAYYY too much on the death subject. Switch gears, Rebecca.
For too many years to count, I’ve been banking on a cure, but what I have to remember is: there is neither cure for chronic pain. nor a cure for cervical spine degeneration arthritis.
I had a right to be a little bit morbid, right? Right.
On the BRIGHTSIDE of life, the good news is my cervical spine degeneration arthritis is stable and still mild. The wake up call is the fact that even though it’s stable and still mild doesn’t mean it’s not going to cause problems. I somehow imagined it was going to be far worse, but the reality of the situation is exactly that. I’m still deteriorating. My neck bones that is. Which explains the ever so crushing and ever so draining feeling of my everyday existence.
Can you tell I’m a little salty?
It’s been a long day, but I really wanted to write this up.
The bad news, however, is I’m still in the fearing for my life stage as I have to take more tests. I just had my EMG the other day. Have you guys ever had one done before? Do y’all even know what it is? This was my first time and I wish I never have to do that again. According to Mayo Clinic, EMG, short for Electromyography, is a diagnostic procedure to access the health of muscles and the nerve cells that control them. The results can reveal nerve or muscle dysfunction, or problems with the nerve to muscle signal transmission. The doc that performed my EMG did two different things. It started out interesting with electroshock waves or whatever jolting my right arm. Ever accidentally touched a plug going into an outlet? A slight shock, right? Well, that is what the first part of the EMG felt like. Little shockwaves just giving me a little jolt here and there. Not much of a bother, but when he stuck that needle into me like he was drawing blood and not drawing blood, but actually touched a muscle AND moved the needle around the surface of the muscle, AND made me push my arm up against him pushing me down (PS. that sounds dirty, but all in good health) AND repeated that for another 5 more times- UGH *shiver* – just thinking about it is giving me heebeejeebeez. I died. I died and came back to life. That was the most uncomfortable and painful 10 minutes of my life and I live in chronic pain, so an EMG is not my cup of tea. But it only lasted 10 minutes as opposed to the butt load of pain I actually face on the daily.
Results turned out normal, so that’s cool, but it doesn’t explain the traveling pain going down my arms. Yay me!
I’m still salty.
Anyways, I have another MRI I’m going to tomorrow. This will be of the brain. I don’t think I’ve had a brain MRI before, but I’m assuming all MRI’s are the same when it comes to the loud and pounding noises echoing in the MRI machine. My neurologist is hoping to rule out any kind of brain tumor. With my luck, there won’t be a tumor at all. I write that as a good thing – like I’m so lucky, I survive type good. Because throughout my 30 years of existence, I’ve always felt pain and that meant I was alive and will remain alive, but will sadly always feel the pain. So, when you read with my luck, it could read two completely different ways. I’m lucky, because I’m alive and my body has somehow always outsmarted the part of death, but also, with my luck, I’ll never get my sliver of hope in waiting to die scenario.
Am I making sense? Because even I feel confused.
I’m not looking forward to getting the contrast injected . . . injected? . . . what’s the word, I think it’s injected. . . lol . . . into me. Last MRI, I had to pause after they put the contrast into me with that needle syringe thingy – MAN, what is it called!? Anyways, that thing. I got so light-headed and dizzy and nauseous, but I didn’t vomit – proud moment, but everything else wasn’t a good feeling, so I must remember to tell them to inject the contrast very slowly otherwise we’ll have a repeat of what happened last time.
I have another MRI of my lumbar spine (lower back) in two weeks. I originally had all three tests scheduled to be on the same day because I’m lazy and I want it done in one day instead of 3 separate days, but my husband finally got better insurance and apparently tests needs to be taken separately, which kinda bites to be honest.
But hey – I’m doing it! And I’m focused on my health.
All morbid jokes aside though, I really do want to live. And even though a small sliver of me is secretly waiting around for death, when push comes to shove and I end up facing death in the eye, I’m gonna wanna live. That’s just how life is. I’m merely just anxious to stay alive and fear that it’s gonna be harder than it already is.
I’ll try not to be so morbid next time,