Upon discovering my recent health dilemma, I fell into this hole.
It was difficult to wake up in the morning, difficult to fall asleep
It was difficult to be consistent in eating good food
It was difficult to stay away from simple carbs, sugar, pizza, and Jalapeno Cheddar Cheetos.
It was difficult to “fit” exercise into my schedule.
It was difficult to get back into routine.
It was difficult to motivate and/or inspire myself to write, to create something.
It was difficult to find the positivity in all situations.
It was difficult to find hope and happiness.
I began falling into bad habits. Sleeping late and waking up even later in more pain than I’d be the night before. I was getting 8-9 hours of sleep just like what my previous model trainer told me to do, but I felt like even more of a disappointment for I lost a good chunk of my morning. Wanting to sleep early, but playing a game on my smartphone while lying in bed trying to sleep wasn’t exactly helping. Planning to do a good workout, but ending up being too lazy, too exhausted, or in too much pain to pick up a weight and saying I’ll wake up really early to do so tomorrow. But then, time slips through my fingers as I’m busy catching up on my TV shows and it’s already 12am. ugh, not again. Keeping technology glued to me with whatever I do. Mindlessly eating and grabbing seconds, thirds, and even fourths during a meal. Endlessly munching throughout the day and night. Ruining everything I’ve worked so hard to steer away from and letting everything unravel making it even more difficult to jump over. Becoming irritated, agitated, angry, upset at myself and those around me for my lack of patience was rising and my negative thoughts were overflowing making me sulk even more. The anxiety and the depression gnawing at me. Planning on the most productive week of my life and realizing the week has already passed and I haven’t done anything but one day of an intense sweat workout with high motivation and a smile on my face. Eating dessert every day after almost every meal, trying to justify my actions by lying to myself and others: “It’s okay, eating this makes me happy!” Looking at the mirror feeling dissatisfied. Cracking my neck and throwing my head around to try to release the pressure on my neck. Waking up to the look on my grandmas faces of their minds gone and one of their body’s deteriorated and I sulk into my guilt.
The thing is I know what to do,
I know that if I want to sleep early, I have to turn off all technology at least 30min before bedtime and allow my thoughts to flow from myself to write about everything and anything or pick up a book and read.
I know that if I want to have a good workout, knowing myself very well, I should do so in the morning for the best energetic and most optimistic results.
I know that if I don’t want to have dementia or deteriorated bones, and if I want to manage my pain, I know very well that I have to stay active, both physically and mentally AND eat healthy.
I know that if I want to continue modeling, I have to first take care of myself and put my health at first priority.
I know that if I want to become a better writer, I have to commit to writing daily.
I know that everything I want to do is a line of events that impacts everything on my list either one way or another. And choosing the right thing for me in the moment is more valuable than doing one good thing sometimes. It’s a string events type thing and I know that, the problem is:
I don’t know how to break the cycle and implement to create a habit. It’s a pointless battle with myself. I am the queen of being in an endless cycle. Motivationally positive to doing to missing a day to missing several days in a row to a whole bunch of negatives in a row to feeling defeated to even more negatives to starting all over again from square one. The problem isn’t only on how to begin, but also keeping that high energy I started out with, keeping that motivation alive, and making sure I know that I’m doing it for the long haul, not a temporary fix. It’s all about staying consistent and keeping my reign. I know if I just stick with it long enough, it’ll become second nature.
So . . .
You just start, right? Is it really that simple? Don’t think, DO! WTF is wrong with me? Am I stupid? These thoughts overpower me.
I can do it. I know I can. My mind is the only thing stopping me from carrying on. If I could mindfully do things instead of mindlessly doing the actions, I can focus on the task at hand with a more clear mind. The tasks are simple. Multiple tasks all at once are overwhelming. All I need to do is focus on one task at a time as I tell myself to take the day as it comes.
My 2015 streak of optimism slowly dissolved through the rain that drowned out my positive mind throughout 2016. A sliver of hope remains as I’ve been holding onto it tight. I took several leaps backwards and lost the lighted pathway. I have to rebuild it from scratch and this time it’s not as heavily lit as the last. It’s been difficult, but the task at hand is only going to get worse if I believe it is. Mindset is readjusting back to what it once was. One day at a time. One task at a time, everything will pull through. The task isn’t that hard.
rebeccanne
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