My Birth Preferences & The Looming Deadline

As much as I hate pain and fear the pain of childbirth, I think living in chronic pain has prepared me for this moment.

I have been thinking a lot about my birth preferences as I learn about the process of birth and what options are available, especially with a high risk pregnancy like mine and my current situation.

Knowing myself and how I handle pain has opened a new perspective on what the birthing process might be like for me. Pain has been with me for more than half my life and my first instinct has always been to suffer through it and wait for it to pass, which usually means spending countless hours on bedrest and avoiding taking any form of medication.

Pain management has gotten a lot better over the years, but pain can still be draining. After my first surgery in 2006, I was on the heavy narcotics, but I hated how it made me feel, so I quit and refused to go back on daily medication for pain. Sometimes, though, on very rare occasions I do end up taking a low dose of Tylenol when pain becomes too unbearable to function.

When I had a pulmonary embolism (blood clot in lung) in 2014, I had this searing pain on my side and had trouble breathing for weeks before finally agreeing to go to the hospital to get checked out. At that time, I hated hospitals (still do) and dreaded going to them–maybe because after my surgery, I developed really bad acid reflux where I ended up going to the ER periodically, which now that I look back on that time, I truly believe it simmered down the moment I stopped taking all those narcotics.

So as much as I often say I have a low pain tolerance, I somehow endure through it without hesitation.

When it comes to childbirth, though, there’s this stereotypical fear surrounding it with this looming deadline that can come at any moment. And after watching a documentary called The Business of Being Born, it helped me see just how fearful it runs in so many women.

Some say that documentary is propaganda in favor of midwives and against hospitals, but if you look at it as another form of research and give space to form your own opinion, I think it’s worth checking out. As much as I hate hospitals, I know the value in them. Plus times are so different now compared to back then. I will try all the natural routes if possible first, but I wouldn’t completely write off Western medicine either. I am the type of person who takes everything with a grain of salt.

Hospitals and the majority of doctors only really know interventions and medicines. They aren’t well-versed in a more natural or holistic approach to things unless they studied it themselves. And despite all of this, I still would feel comfortable at a hospital to give birth, not only because I’m considered high risk being on blood thinners, but also there are certain things a hospital has more than a birthing center or an at-home birth for that matter and honestly, so many things could go wrong. Better safe than sorry in my opinion.

I think the best thing about my journey thus far is having an OB who doesn’t want me to have a C-section and will do everything in her power to refrain from a C-section because of the blood clots. A C-section puts me at a higher risk, so at least I know she is looking out for me and my best interests versus what has been discussed in the Biz of Being Born.

I am so grateful I decided to find a doula. It has been a blessing to talk to her about all my concerns and update her on my progression. It definitely puts my mind at ease knowing I will have that support going into labor. As someone as inexperienced as my husband and myself, that support is so needed. Doctors at the hospital don’t stay with you the entire time whereas a doula is fully present and helping you every step of the way. I am looking forward to having her there with me.

The option to do a C-section was eliminated earlier in my pregnancy and for that I am thankful it was discussed at the time. It gave me ample time to research and really accept the process of a vaginal birth and understand how risky a C-section would’ve been for me. I mean, it could still happen due to unforeseen circumstances, but at least I am more informed about everything in case we need to go that route in the end.

As I continue to educate myself, I am even thinking about opting out of an epidural altogether. My ideal birth is being able to move around and try different positions to get baby out. Most importantly, I do not want to be confined to a bed with continuous fetal monitoring. An epidural removes those choices. The bottom half of your body is numb making it impossible to hold yourself up in a squatting position or walk around. You’d also need a catheter to pee because you wouldn’t be able to get up to use the bathroom. That’s the kind of confinement I’d prefer to avoid. On top of that, getting an epidural eliminates your ability to know the signs to push. You’d be hooked up to monitors that tell you when to push, but if you don’t have an urge to do so, you could be going at it for hours. I discussed a “walking” epidural option with my OB, which is basically a low dose of epidural, but apparently my hospital doesn’t provide such a thing.

The best thing about an epidural is giving your body time to rest and sleep in between contractions and it takes away the pain, but there are many downsides to it like taking away the urge to push, potential lower back pain down the road, or prolonging the birth process.

However, this is where it gets tricky, there’s horror stories on both aspects–whether someone gets an epidural or fully commits to an unmedicated birth. So it all comes down to preferences and what you are comfortable with.

I’m still at the let’s play it by ear mindset. I would really like to honor my ideal birth experience, but I am still afraid of the amount of pain childbirth entails. So, I’ve been thinking about trying the nitrous oxide (laughing gas) first–it doesn’t take the pain away, but it relaxes the mind and gives off a euphoric experience and bonus: it does not affect the baby like fentanyl and it gives me the choice to move around and not be confined to the bed. My OB says I can always opt for an epidural later if it gets too much.

Aside from labor pain, I’m worried about the nausea and vomiting that comes with either methods. I hear it can happen with an unmediated birth AND medicated birth. Forget about pooping on the table, I’d rather not projectile vomit all over myself and everybody in the room. At least you can’t see your poop, being covered in vomit the whole time during labor and skin to skin with my babe is not something I picture my first memory with her to be.

Nausea and vomiting is another fear of mine only because I have been dealing with on and off nausea throughout my pregnancy, sometimes to the point of vomiting. I even had to go to the ER one time for an IV drip, but I realized it could’ve been a direct result from acid reflux too. So I’ve been thinking a lot about what I should eat prior going to the hospital and I’m thinking soups and bland foods are the way to go, definitely nothing that would aggravate my acid reflux either. I do not think any greasy foods will be fun to regurgitate back up if vomiting does occur and I want to be prepared for everything.

I want to be able to surrender to the process and let go of control. I know myself enough that if I plan for that route, I can do it. It’s the pain that scares me the most. Knowing that I tend to tense up when in pain is not ideal and if that happens it could lead to a harder and longer labor experience. I could get to the point of surrendering, but it may take me a moment to reach that point especially if I find myself tensing up.

Fighting against it is always a bad idea, but it you’re willing to embrace the process, the ride will be a lot smoother. At least that is what I hear.

I’m trying to manifest a week 38 baby only because I’m not sure how I feel about Pitocin and being induced. Like labor stories, I hear horror stories and really amazing stories from mom’s who were induced. Ideally, it would be great for my body to just be ready to give birth at week 38 so I can try to have the experience I am hoping for, but I know with labor anything can happen and you can’t always get what you want.

Because of the abnormality in my blood, my OB says I’ll need to be induced by week 39 due to the increase of stillbirth past 40 weeks. It’s scary to think about stillbirth because carrying my baby to term, naming her, and imagining my life with her are all things I cling to. I can’t imagine the devastation a stillbirth would bring to us, so I’m trying my best to manifest a healthy and strong baby girl at the end of October.

If there’s a chance of induction, I think my previous plan will go out the window and I’ll just opt for an epidural right away. I know induction increases contractions for a shorter amount of time and honestly, I’d rather not feel it at all at that point. Slow and gradual is something I believe I can manage, but all at once could be traumatizing. If induction is the way to go, I would hope I have the same great experience as those who had a good experience with a medicated birth.

Either way, I won’t know until it happens and by that time, everything will be out of my control. So here’s to embracing the journey and letting things happen as they come.

rebeccanne, playing it by ear!

p.s. if you’re a mother, please share your birth story in the comments, I’d love to hear it! Unmedicated, medicated, induced or not, all stories are welcome!

Resources I found helpful (so far):

Note: I am not affiliated with any of the following links.

• Nurture: A Modern Guide to Pregnancy, Birth, Early Motherhood–and Trusting Yourself and Your Body by Erica Chidi
• Tinyhood (Basically Masterclass for expecting and established parents)
• The Business of Being Born Documentary
• The Newborn Handbook: Your Guide to Bringing Home Baby by Dr. Smita Malhotra, MD
• The Happiest Baby on the Block by Harvey Karp, MD. (I linked the fully revised, second edition one, but I read the older version. I’m sure if you hadn’t read it yet, you’d want the latest version)